First We Take London
by Lady of the Shards
Summary: Someone up there definitely hates Mycroft. Sherlock is seriously bored. John is exhausted. Lestrade is stressed. Mrs. Hudson is perturbed. Mummy is intrigued. Anthea is in desperate need of a day off. Irene's back in town. Moriarty might be alive. Yes, someone up there definitely hates him. The story of how it escalates. T just in case. *I do not own Sherlock*
1. Chapter 1

**First We Take London:**

**Chapter 1:**

Someone up there definitely hates Mycroft.

Sherlock is seriously bored.

John is exhausted.

Lestrade is stressed.

Mrs. Hudson is perturbed.

Mummy is intrigued.

Anthea is in desperate need of a day off.

Irene's back in town.

Moriarty might be alive.

Yes, someone up there definitely hates him.

Why, oh why did Sherlock have to try to experiment with _that _particular subject? It would have been safer for him to experiment with atomic BOMBS for pity's sake! No, thinking like that may give him ideas. I must steer clear of thoughts like that. But if he continued with the track his mind was currently on, too many things would come tumbling down all over the world. I will have to remove the experiment from his proximity. How bored must he have been to even consider this experiment? Had Moriarty's 'death', which I am now getting rumors of being false, left him so bored even shooting up his apartment did nothing to relieve it?

~~~~  
Ten minutes after Mycroft got the reports on Sherlock's latest activity, he stood outside 221B watching as his people removed the offending experiment from the premises. Hopefully they would be long gone by the time—

"MYCROFT!"

_Somebody hates me up there. _"Sherlock. You're back early. Hello John."

The two men looked at me, Sherlock glaring with even more hatred than usual and John with a confused look that must be part of the reason his little brother was so attached to him. It was utterly endearing. "You are looking tired John. My brother running you ragged again?"

"Mycroft, why are you taking one of my experiments?" Sherlock growled at him, completely furious.

"It is only one; surely you have others to keep you occupied? Or perhaps there is a case you could be helping the Detective Inspector on? If you are truly bored I may be able to find—"

Sherlock spun on his heel and darted over to the people taking his fun from him, but they had arrived five minutes too late. Mycroft's people were able to finish getting every last piece of it away before Sherlock made it five steps closer. Mycroft nodded to them and got back in his car as the others drove off. Before he left he rolled down the window. "Please don't try to recreate this experiment. I will be forced to once again take it away. Perhaps you and John could find something else to do with your time, hmm?"

And Mycroft simply drove off. Unaware what kind of hell he had just set loose.

**Author's notes: Hi, this is just my second story. This is a really short first chapter but it seemed like a good place to stop. This story may end up being just crack. I may have some John and Sherlock slash. If nothing else it will be heavily hinted at by the characters, like it is in the show. Also I plan to mess with some heads. Please review and tell me what you think. I will get the next chapter up as soon as it is out of my head and onto the computer. Please be warned: I have no clue what I am doing.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

He would not stop pacing. The constant sounds of feet hitting the same spots over and over again were slowly dragging John to the edge of insanity. Then the muttering started and then escalated to shouting.

"I was so close to a break through! And now he won't let me continue? What is he hiding?" Sherlock rambled trying to unravel the mystery behind the events that had transpired while we were out, with each word he spoke going up in volume.

"Sherlock, why don't you just try to keep your mind occupied with another one of your experiments? Obviously, Mycroft will not let you complete the one he took or he wouldn't have taken it." John interrupted Sherlock only because he was hoping to deter any more sounds that were likely to make him lose it. Even as exhausted as he was though, he should have known better than to interrupt Sherlock Holmes in mid rant.

"John, don't you see? If Mycroft was willing to go as far as removing my experiment then it could be just the thing to stop my brain to turning into mush like Anderson's!"

John snorts with laughter at that comment. "Sherlock, I think it will take more than simple boredom to place the level of your mind anywhere near Anderson's."

Sherlock stops and stares at John for a moment, a faint flush dusting his cheeks. "Thank you, John."

They remain quiet and still for a few moments longer.

"Still, you'd think Mycroft would at least attempt to ask you to back off before taking the entire experiment away."

"It would have given me time to create backups of all the data I had discovered so far."

"I just feel like your little fights with him are now going to escalate into all out war."

A moment of silence.

"That's it! John you're brilliant! I have to go talk to Lestrade. Wait here." Sherlock dashes out of the flat looking like a kid on Christmas morning leaving John to blink confusedly, so stunned that when Sherlock returns fifteen minutes later he still hasn't moved.

"Sherlock? Why was it I said that made you go off like that?" Worry was covering John's face as he carefully asked for explanation.

"Hmm? Oh, that little bit about me going into all out war with Mycroft. Why don't you stay here and rest while I go and fetch some things?" And with that, Sherlock was out the door again.

"The bit about the war. Of course." The quiet words seemed loud in the suddenly quiet flat. After letting the words finish sinking in, John groaned and slammed his head onto the kitchen table in front of him.

**Author's Note: Another short chapter but I thought that it would be good. I am not sure if the chapters of this story are going to get longer or not. You'll just have to read and find out. Hopefully this chapter isn't to awful, but please tell me what you think. Beware: I have no clue what I'm doing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

"What do you want Sherlock? I don't have a case for you." Lestrade spoke without looking up from the paperwork he had in his hands.

"I am going to war."

Papers fell from Lestrade's hands. "_What_ did you just say?"

"Don't make me repeat myself, Lestrade, it's so dull. My opponent is going to be Mycroft."

"Haven't you been at war with him for years?"

"The past years have just been petty—"

"Glad we agree on something."

"Don't interrupt. Petty arguments, _on his part_, but well placed jibes on mine."

Lestrade snorted Sherlock's phrasing.

Glaring, Sherlock continues, "Now I am no longer going to hold back. "

"Okay, why are you telling me?"

"You are going to be helping me, obviously." Sherlock tosses over his shoulder as he leaves.

Lestrade stares after the consulting detective for long moments before pulling out his phone and dialing. "John? What the hell happened to cause Sherlock to go to war against Mycroft? And why does he assume I am going to help him?"

"...I am so sorry. Mycroft took one of Sherlock's experiments and then I made a careless comment."

"..._What kind of careless comment_?"

"I believe my words were 'I just feel like your little fights with him are now going to escalate into all out war.'"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"Unfortunately, no. He then proceeded to call me brilliant and run out of the building. I'm still not sure where he went then, but when he got back he pretty much just turned around saying he needed to go see you. I'm guessing he just left your office?"

"Yeah. *sighs* Sherlock is going to drive me to alcoholism one of these days."

"Can I join you?"

"It's comments like that that make me wonder how you can stick around. Don't get me wrong, having you around sure makes dealing with Sherlock easier for me, but you…."

"Yeah, I don't know how I do it either. But what do you think Sherlock means by war?"

"I don't want to know."

"I have a feeling neither you nor I will get that choice."

"…I'm going to hang up and hopefully keep my sanity intact for a little while longer."

"Good luck with that."

**Another short chapter, sorry. So far this story is not wanting to have me write long chapters. So, Sherlock is busy running around, here's a hint: he's gathering his forces! Can you guess who all is on his side? Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review, I would love to know what people think. Actually I would love to know people are reading this. Of course, I really have no clue what I doing.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Mycroft had been having his usual quiet time in the Diogenes Club when suddenly a noise came from his jacket's inner pocket. The scandalized looks shot his way were not just for him allowing sound to enter the rather sacred silence of the club, but also for what type of sounds his pocket was emitting.

Ten minutes later, after he had been dismissed from the Club's roster, found him in 221B's living room waiting for Sherlock and John to return home from dealing with their latest case. When the sound of the door opening and closing reaches him he put on his usual mask. His face was perfectly straight by the time Sherlock and John entered the living room.

"Sherlock."

"Oh, hello Mycroft." Warning bells began to sound in Mycroft's head. Sherlock was being almost pleasant with him. That was not a good sign.

"I'll just- I'll just go make some tea." John said before fleeing the room.

"Sherlock, are you trying to start a war with me?"

"Yes."

"Because if you aren't-What?"

"I said yes. I am trying to start a war with you. If you really need me to clarify that for you then you must be slipping Mycroft. Just like your diet."

Mycroft blinks slowly. "I see."

(Later that evening)

"Hey, John. Wasn't expecting to see you here. At least not until…Oh." Greg sat down at the bar heavily.

"Yeah. Mycroft came by today. It has been declared. They are at war and the world will most likely not survive tomorrow."

"I can't help but think that the Mayans predicted this. If the Holmes brothers are really… The apocalypse has arrived. We're doomed."

"Can we get another round here? Please?"

**Okay, this is a really short chapter, but the last bit was just too good to pass up! I mean, they say the world is going to end tomorrow. I have now given it a reason to. Do I have any clue what I'm doing? What do you think? *Grins evilly***


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**I will freely admit it. The first line of this chapter? Quote from the show. It's from the episode, 'A Scandal In Belgravia.' It was just perfect. Local channel played it on New Year's Eve. The ideas runneth over! I may be inspired to do some oneshots featuring this line. I just love it!**

"Shame on you, John Watson! Mrs. Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall."

"Well, if you are set on starting a war with your brother, then I really don't want her getting caught up in the middle of it." John turned the page of the paper he was currently reading.

"Now boys, I'll be fine, don't you worry." Mrs. Hudson said as she brought some tea up for Sherlock and John. "I have my ways of making sure Mycroft Holmes leaves me alone. I'm sure Sherlock won't involve me in any of his schemes, will you Sherlock?"

Silence for a beat and then: "You have ways of making my brother leave you alone?"

"Yes, I do."

"Wha—"

"Sherlock, I like to have my secrets. Now I'll be going out so you'll have to prepare your own tea. I'm not your housekeeper, you know."

After Mrs. Hudson left John looks at Sherlock.

"You're right. She'll be fine. After all, she was able to surprise you."

**Author's Note: Hey, it's really short, sorry. I'm still having some writer's block. I really wanted to get the next chapter posted for my friend lazybum89. Get well soon! Please, please review, it may help me get some of my steam back! As always, I have no clue what I'm doing.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

*Later*

"Hello? Oh, I was just about to call you. I have an update on how the boys are doing."

"…"

"Oh yes, Sherlock doesn't seem to be bored right now. He's busy playing with Mycroft."

"…"

"Well, I'm sure John will try to keep Sherlock from doing anything to drastic."

"…"

Oh, I suppose so. The boys are rather competitive. And you certainly would know."

"…"

"Oh, if you aren't too busy I'm sure you should come and visit. I bet John would love to meet you. I know Sherlock hasn't introduced you two yet."

"…!"

"Oh? You won't be able to come for at least a few weeks? That's too bad. Don't worry. I'll just tell the boys to mind their manners if it gets to out of control. But I haven't seen Sherlock this excited in so long, I think I'll let him enjoy it for a while longer."

"…"

"Of course I'll keep you up to date, dearie. And you can always check John's blog. It's so entertaining to read about his adventures with Sherlock."

"…"

"Yes, I'll take to you tomorrow. I know how you like to know what the boys are up to."

"…"

"Yes I've made sure that Mycroft won't involve me. Thank you for that little bit of gossip by the way."

"…"

"Goodbye."

Mrs. Hudson hangs up her phone and goes about gathering what she needed for her 'little old lady' gossip group. Oh, she had so much fun chatting with them about what her boys were up to. A pity the entire group wasn't going to be there today. Oh well.

Mrs. Hudson left her flat with a happy smile on her face, looking forward to the events that were coming. _Just what kind of trouble would Sherlock bring home tomorrow?_

**Author's Note: Hello! I'm not dead. I wanted to get another chapter out for you guys. However this will probably be the last one for a while. I am going to be focusing on my other chapter story. My inspiration for the Sherlock story is still there but it is being rather quiet. It is completely letting my Pokémon muse overwhelm it. So I am going to finish writing my Pokémon story. If any Sherlock inspiration strikes I will upload. This is just the beginning. And I felt I should leave you with a little mystery on your hands. Can you figure out who Mrs. Hudson is talking to? It really isn't all that hard. **

**I am not abandoning this story, just putting it on hiatus. **

**I love you all and I hope to see you again!**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: The forming of sides.**

**Hello! Been a while, huh? Sorry for the long wait, I am finally having some inspiration for this story. Or I at least have some more motivation to try to write more. Here we go!**

**Little note for this chapter: **(TEXTING)

"Oh? What's this? It seems that Sherlock and his brother had a falling out." A crimson smile as a phone is dialed. "Hello? Oh good. Then I don't have to explain why I was calling. Which one? Now, do you really have to ask?"

xXxXx

"Anthea, I need you to contact a few people for me. Here's the list. Set up meetings with them for me later today."

"Yes sir." Anthea doesn't look up from her phone. (MYCROFT IS SETTING UP MEETINGS. SHOULD I DELAY THEM?) "What times would you prefer?"

"Between two and five. Preferably in the order written."

(NO. DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT ALERT HIM. IT IS STILL JUST A GAME FOR THEM FOR NOW. KEEP ME UPDATED.)

"Very well." Anthea leaves the room. (ALRIGHT. IF ANYTHING CHANGES I WILL LET YOU KNOW.)

xXxXx

"Oh, you know those boys. Always up to something interesting. And now they're going to be playing war. There is a chance that it will turn into an actual war, but…." Mrs. Hudson smiles. "Well, what will we do then?"

Smiles appear all around.

xXxXx

He looked up from the picture of Shanon. "Are you sure about this information?"

"Of course. Sherlock Holmes has declared war on Mycroft Holmes."

"Oooh. Now this is going to be fun."

xXxXx

**Author's Note: It's short. Sorry. But this is rather establishing. GUESS WHO THE UNNAMED PEOPLE ARE! Just for fun. I think I am starting to get on a roll with the story again. Hopefully the next chapter comes soon.**

**Bit of extra fun: I made a reference in this chapter. I will send virtual cookies and hugs to the ones who get it.**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Woman**

"Oh, great. What do YOU want?" John shut the door, not looking at the person sitting in the living room.

"Oh, come now. Is that how you great a guest?" The Woman crossed her legs, secure in her business suit. "I heard that Sherlock has decided to wage war on his big brother."

John grimaces. "I am in denial. Please do not remind me of that terrifying fact."

"Oh John. You really are incredible. Do you know where Sherlock is right now? I was hoping to perhaps speak to him about something."

"No. He's been running around 'preparing things for the war'. Look, I know you are comfortable like that, but could you please cover up? Here, use one of Sherlock's dressing gowns."

"Alright. For you. So Sherlock isn't taking you with him on his runs?"

"I had to work."

"Ah. John, are you planning on helping Sherlock in his little war?"

"It's not like I have a choice, now do I?"

A noncommittal noise left her throat before her crimson lips turned up into a smile.

"Well, I think I might know where Sherlock is so I'm going to go have a talk." The Woman walked over to where her coat rested and slipped out of Sherlock's dressing gown. As it fell to the floor John turned away. Once she had finished buttoning her coat she crept up behind him and planted a kiss on his cheek. "You're too good for him, John. Don't let him bully you just because you're in a relationship."

"I AM NOT GAY!"

xXxXx

**Author's Note: My chapters in this story are really short aren't they? My apologies. But hey, it's Irene! I'm not completely sure I got her personality correct. Tell me if I made any major mistakes!**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The door to the flat slammed shut and Sherlock came dashing up the stairs.

"Welcome back. Do I even want to know what you were doing?"

"Plausible deniability, John! Plausible deniability!" Sherlock yelled as he whipped around the room. "Though I will say that it would appear that there are other sides to this war than just mine and Mycroft's. At least two others. I believe that Moriarty might be one of them."

John groans. "Great. First The Woman, and now Moriarty? The apocalypse really is coming."

Sherlock pokes his head out of the kitchen. "Apocalypse? What on earth are you talking about John? Wait, where are you going?"

"I am going to go drown my sorrows at a pub with Greg. By the end of the week, the world as we know it will be over." John gathered his coat and started to head out.

"Nonsense John. First we have to take London. Then we take the world." Sherlock tosses over his shoulder as he disappears back into the kitchen.

John groans again and runs a hand through his hair as he leaves the flat.

xXxXx

"Are you kidding me? Moriarty is back as well? Oi! Another round here!" Greg called out before turning to look at John with desperation in his eyes."Please tell me that this is all just a very elaborate prank the Holmes brothers are playing on me."

"If it is, they are playing it on me as well. And The Woman is in on it." John thinks over her encounter with Irene Adler. "I think she was actually trying to get me away from Sherlock's side of the war or something. I don't know." John tossed back the last of his drink. "I should head back. I am terrified that if I am gone too long, the flat won't be there when I get back."

"Yeah. Good luck."

"You too. We're both going to need it."

**xXxXx**

**Author's Note: I really do apologize for the chapters being so short. It just is ending up that way. I hope you are enjoying the story. If you think I am doing a character horribly wrong, please feel free to give me pointers.**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**I am so sorry about the wait.**

**xXxXx**

"Oh, hello Mrs. Hudson." John's voice sounded exhausted as he went towards the stairs to his flat.

"My goodness, John. What's wrong?" Mrs. Hudson asked quickly shooing John towards her own sitting room and fetching some tea.

John sat down with a groan, tiredly rubbing his eyes. "It's this war that Sherlock and Mycroft have. I was worried it would be a serious war at first but…" John took a quick swig of his tea, sending a grateful look Mrs. Hudson's way. "It's ended up being a series of pranks. When I realized that that was all it was going to be, I thought I could relax some." John leaned back. "That was stupid. I don't know how they have done any of it, but Sherlock managed to prank Mycroft while he was in front of the Queen, Sherlock's skull disappeared, and it seems the MORIARTY is behind that one—how the hell is he alive—Mycroft's managed to invent a crime to catch Sherlock's interest and Sherlock ended up falling into a vat of American PUDDING of all things."

"Well, that explains what happened to Sherlock's coat the other day." Mrs. Hudson sipped her tea as she listened. "Where's Sherlock now?"

"I believe he is attempting to get revenge for the pudding prank. I told me that he would be in the baking section of the local market for a while." John drained his tea. "I think I also heard something about either it being pie or cake. I don't think Sherlock has decided yet."

"John!" Lestrade came through the front door yelling, obviously fed up with something. "That's it! I have had enough. You have got to do something about those two!"

Mrs. Hudson gently led the Inspector to another seat and poured him some tea.

Lestrade's grateful smile spoke volumes on how his day had been so far.

"What have those brothers done now and what makes you think that I can stop them?" John rubbed his stiff shoulder.

"What have they done?! I've had three homicides that ended up being pranks. I came into work the other day to find my office filled with confetti! Since when is my work place part of their prank war?" Lestrade was pulling at his hair in frustration.

"My guess is that prank was done by Moriarty." John put in. "I don't think that Sherlock or Mycroft would do that to you."

Lestrade was silent for a moment before groaning and dropping his in his hands. "Moriarty? He's back—scratch that—he's ALIVE?!"

"I've discovered that it is easier to not think about it too much. My sanity would completely disappear if I do." John poured himself some more tea and topped off Lestrade's cup. "My guess is that there is more?"

"YES." Lestrade took another huge gulp of his tea before continuing. "Molly called a little while ago, half of her cadavers just got up, apologized for the trouble and walked out of the morgue, several politicians have apparently had pranks pulled on them, it seems that several groups of homeless have joined forces with some of the police and were behind most of those pranks, and on the way here, do you know what I heard on the radio?"

"Do I really want to know?" Apprehension was clear in John's voice.

"Oh, this one's good. Apparently, there are fifty African elephants outside Buckingham palace." Lestrade watched in tired amusement as John fumbled his tea cup, nearly dropping it.

John carefully set his cup down and leaned back, once again rubbing his eyes. Near hysterical laughter began to bubble out of him. "Do you remember last week when—when those starving fruit bats swarmed Sherlock's hair?"

"You mean because Mycroft somehow managed to put pieces of fruit in it? I don't think I'll ever figure out how he got them to only swarm Sherlock and not the fruit stands he was standing next to." Lestrade joined in the near hysterical laughter.

Mrs. Hudson took the teapot back to the kitchen for a refill. As she waited for the water to heat, her phone rang.

"Hello? Oh, it's so good to hear from you my dear. And your timing is as impeccable as always. I was just thinking of calling you."

"…"

"Oh, yes. I think things are getting a bit out of hand. It may just be time."

"…"

"Yes, I'll have her do the talking for now. Good bye."

**xXxXx**

**Author's Note: Wow. I am so sorry. It has been forever since I wrote anything for this story. I apologize. Now, let me tell you that by this point, John and Lestrade are nearly at the end of their ropes. *bows deeply* I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and yes I am taking the easy way out and now going into the details of the pranks. I ain't that smart people! Tell me what you think~~~!**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**You know, I am really bad about updating regularly. I actually had to go and reread what I had written so far. Oh, man I found so many mistakes! One of these day's I will get around to fixing them. Probably. **

**Let me explain the sides as they stand now:**

**Mycroft: Anthea, Government**

**Sherlock: John, Lestrade, police, homeless network**

**Moriarty: Moran, criminals**

**Mystery: Irene, others.**

**This is gonna change in the coming chapter. *evil grin***

**Well, onward to the chapter.**

**Key:**

(TEXTING)

**xXxXx**

(WELL, I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT IT IS TIME.)

(FINALLY. MYCROFT IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO GET A FULL GROWN JAGUAR INTO SHERLOCK'S FLAT. I'VE BEEN WORKING NON STOP EVER SINCE THIS STARTED. I NEED A DAY OFF.)

(MY, MY. A JAGUAR? THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO WATCH. TOO BAD I'VE BEEN INFORMED THAT IT IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.)

(*SIGHS* THANK GOODNESS. I'M READY FOR THIS PRANK WAR TO BE OVER. LET ME KNOW.)

(OF COURSE.)

**xXxXx**

"Well well. Are the two of you here every evening?" the sultry female voice sounded from behind them.

John sighed and replied without turning around while Lestrade just groaned and rested his head against the bar. "Hello Irene."

Irene's crimson lips quirked up in a smile as she sat beside John and waited for the two men to look at her. Once they were both looking at her she spoke. "I have a proposition for the both of you. One that will most likely lead to the end of this little prank war."

"You think this war is little? All of London has become involved in some way. Moriarty has all the criminals involved, creating fake homicides and other crimes. With Mycroft involving the politicians and government, I half expect the Queen to prank someone!" Lestrade growled furiously.

John looked slightly panicked as he glanced at his friend. "Careful! We've already given them several ideas with careless comments. Do you want one of them to actually go and involve the Queen?"

"The Queen's already involved." Irene felt slightly sorry for the two men. All the sides they knew about were treating them like useful pawns. "But not on Mycroft's side. This leads me back to my proposition for you. There's a fourth side in this war. I'd like to invite the two of you to join me on it."

John's eyebrow rose a bit. "You aren't the leader of it?"

"No! I believe the real leader of this side will take the both of you by surprise."

Lestrade rubbed his eyes. "That sounds rather ominous. But if it will end this nightmare, then I'm willing to listen."

John sighed. "I'm scared about what would happen if we let them continue. Sherlock was muttering about filling Mycroft's limo with expanding foam or something. I didn't stick around to hear the details." He looked at Irene. "This is getting way out of hand. What can be done to stop it?"

Irene smiled as she began to explain.

**xXxXx**

**Well. It's still short. But hey! Another chapter! I am trying to wrap this story up. I already have the last chapter, or at least most of it, written, I just need to get to that point. Who wants to guess who the leader of Irene's side is? Hmm? Hmm? Any guesses at all?**

**I am not a writer! I am a puppet controlled by fictional characters!**


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